The answer was so obvious! It was right under our noses. But it took the ludicrous hypocrisy of the adulterous scrotum Newt Gingrich to cause this idea to coalesce in my mind.
Remember Newt's little tap dance over the Libya intervention?
March 7 — What are we waiting for? Launch a No-Fly Zone!
Obama does just what Newt asked for.
March 23 — Newt: "I would not have intervened."
THAT'S JUST ONE EXAMPLE!!!
Compact fluorescent light bulbs. The right wing hates them like POOP! Why? What's WRONG with CFLs?
“I know light bulbs may not seem sexy,’’ Mr. Obama said during a brief appearance at the White House. “But this simple action holds enormous promise, because 7 percent of all the energy consumed in America is used to light our homes and our businesses.’’
So, you get idiots like Rep. Michele Bachmann proposing "Lightbulb Freedom of Choice" resolutions in Congress. You SHOULD be able to waste energy if you want to!
Upon hearing of Obama's support for CFLs, Rush Limbaugh went NUTS!
He couples this with a warning to his audience concerning the evils of mercury contained in the CFL bulbs, invoking the debunked needs-a-hazmat-crew-to-clean-it-up-if-it-breaks argument.
“We warned you. We warned you at the outset of the mercury in these things, of the hazmat disposal risks when you have (sic) change one or when one breaks, how you dispose of them, you don’t just throw them away. We warned you….It doesn’t matter how much or how little there is, if one of them breaks you gotta call somebody, you gotta go to great pains to clean up the mess, and keep your dog or cat out of this mess. You know how little animals run to things that fall out on the floor.”
- Rush Limbaugh, March 30, 2009
Then, of course, every conservative talk show host with a microphone and a copy of the GOP talking points went on a rant against CFL bulbs.
Know what ELSE they hate?
GOOD NUTRITION FOR OUR KIDS?
Why?
MICHELLE OBAMA IS IN FAVOR OF IT!!!
I refer you to two of my previous rants in this space... "Limbaugh Calls Michelle Obama Fat" and "Boob Congresswoman Blasts Breast Feeding" wherein Michele Bachmann lambastes the concept of breast feeding when the First Lady said it was a good idea.
The wingnuttery also came out against having our kids exercise when FLOTUS suggested it was good for the little bastards to get their fat asses off the couch, away from the Play Station, and outside into the fresh air. They claimed that it was leading to a spike in pedestrian traffic fatalities.
So, what have we learned?
Republicans hate CFLs and energy conservation — because Obama likes the idea.
Republicans hate good nutrition — because Obama likes it.
Republicans hate exercise — because Obama likes it!
AND THERE'S OUR ANSWER!!!
We get the GOP to thin out its own numbers without lifting a finger! We get Obama to hold a press conference in which he would say the following words...
"After extensive study by the National Institutes of Health, an agency of the United States Department of Health and Human Service, my administration fully supports their conclusion that driving a railroad spike into your forehead with a ball peen hammer, right here (he demonstrates a spot just above the middle of his eyes) is a harmful practice and should not be considered as appropriate. I will work with the Department of Education to ensure that this becomes a featured part of the health curriculum. I've directed the Department of Transportation to work with the Federal Railroad Administration to determine ways to make sure that railroad spikes stay where they are supposed to stay — on the tracks and not in your child's forehead. I've directed the Commerce Department to regulate the sale of ball peen hammers, to institute a seven-day waiting period on the sale of these hammers to ensure that these hammers will not be used by unstable people to drive railroad spikes into their own foreheads, and we will mandate that the Department of Homeland Security uses their good offices to ensure that terrorists are not illegally smuggling railroad spikes and ball peen hammers across our borders and into the hands of those who would use them to drive railroad spikes into their brains. Ladies and gentlemen, let me be clear. Driving a railroad spike into your own forehead may seem like a good idea, especially during these difficult economic times. But it is a harmful, perhaps fatal practice that my administration will give top priority to banishing, along with DADT which currently prohibits gay homos from being in foxholes with your sons during combat. I will appoint the Secretary of Commerce to find a good person in the private sector to head up this effort. And I look forward to the day when using a ball peen hammer to drive a railroad spike into your own forehead is outlawed forever. Thank you, and God Bless America."
OK, Obama gives this speech. And the next day, the morning idiots on Fox News start the ball rolling by saying the Socialist, Marxist Kenyan in the White House wants to regulate the use of ball peen hammers and railroad spikes.
They bring in an expert to demonstrate how easy it is to drive a railroad spike into a conservative's head while missing the brain entirely.
Limbaugh, Beck, Hannity and others demonstrate their disdain for Obama's proposed "Forehead Czar" by instructing an intern, live, on the air, to drive a spike into his own head. They will, of course, refrain from doing so themselves.
Across America, teabaggers will march and hold signs saying, "Obama, Keep Your Marxist, Kenyan, Socialist Hands Offa My Forehead." There will be large rallies where teabaggers gather to drive railroad spikes into their heads with ball peen hammers.
This will go on for a few weeks.
Then, we bring in the bulldozers to clean up the corpses.
Problem solved.
Simple American Ingenuity!
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